


Show Some Skin!

by JemJamJammy



Series: Crack!UkUs and other Shenanigans! [2]
Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Boys in Skirts, Chubby America (Hetalia), Crack, England doesn’t understand him, Fluff, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I write America Really Annoying, Implied Relationships, Implied Sexual Content, Lols, M/M, Neither do I, its not as bad as the last one, more lol that crack, no smut this time
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-19
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2021-03-04 17:47:57
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,626
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25380376
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/JemJamJammy/pseuds/JemJamJammy
Summary: England somehow offends America into thinking he’s chubby. As punishment America withholds fun times, and so, Mr. Love Councilor France steps in to help out.
Relationships: America/England (Hetalia), Canada/France (Hetalia)
Series: Crack!UkUs and other Shenanigans! [2]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1768300
Comments: 1
Kudos: 14





	Show Some Skin!

**Author's Note:**

> I meant to post this in the beginning of June and I didn’t. I meant to write another crack but it just ended up a really silly fluff. Enjoy anyway ;)

It was like every other Saturday night, me and Arthur were sitting on the couch watching a movie and I was snacking on whatever I felt like having. It was domestic, very very domestic and I very much enjoyed it. It was some sappy romantic comedy film that nobody actually likes but uses as an excuse to make out in a movie theater. Back to reality though, we were laying down on the couch all snuggled up together and England had his arms wrapped around me and we were covered in a thin blanket. I was eating ice cream, out of the tub as it should be, and life was perfect… until my spoon hit the empty carton of the tub. Did I…

“Alfred, love, did you finish the entire tub of ice cream?” :I Yeah guess I did, didn’t I?

“Uh, yeah.”

“Isn’t that a bit unhealthy?” I knew England meant well but seriously, whenever people say how unhealthy the food you’re eating is it’s like a way of telling them ‘you’ll get even more fat if you keep on eating that’! I know England probably didn’t mean it like that but it still felt implied!

“Are you calling me chubby??” His face kinda paled at me saying that, like he knew he messed up. Because he totally did! >:I

“No no no! Just, don’t you think you’ll get ill if you keep eating so much?” The nerve! See he just said it! Out loud! Didn’t even stutter! 

“Arthur! I can’t believe you just said that to my face! If you think I’m fat just say so!” Oh, he really looked distressed now.

“Alfie that’s not what I-”

“Don’t Alfie me! You can sleep down here tonight if you think I’m so fat!” And just like that I get up and start walking upstairs. That meanie deserves it after being so mean to me! There is no way the hero is self conscious enough to let your insensitive mocking get to my head, so you can suck it England! >:D

I open up our bedroom door and make sure to close it real loud, not slamming it but just loud enough to let him know I meant what I said. With one click of the door it was locked and I was already changed into my pajamas. It wasn’t really pajamas but just a t-shirt and some snug boxers. I walked over to our walk in bathroom and did all of the things you do when going to bed, brushing teeth, washing face, you get the deal. I was walking right back out in no time when I heard a knocking on the bedroom door. 

*knock* *knock*

“I’m not letting you in Arthur! You’re a meanie and a prick so you can sleep by yourself tonight!”

“Alfred, please! You know I didn’t mean it that way!”

“Yeah but it was still implied so you can go screw off!”

“...I still need to brush my teeth, it’s all in the bathroom Alfred. You have to let me in eventually.” He did have a point, but heroes don’t go down without a fight! 

“Just use the extra mouthwash in the closet downstairs! You’re not coming in!”

“Damn it Alfred just open the door!” *Dramatic Sigh* Why oh why must my lover be so inconsiderate and stubborn!~

“...fine but you’re still sleeping downstairs!” My word was final to make sure Iggy never ever made fun of such a heroic character ever again! I was unlocking the door and the minute I did England wasted no time wrapping his arms around me and snuggling me to death. “Arrthuuur staphp-mmMmh!” I tried to say in protest but he just kept on hugging me.

“Please forgive me? I didn’t mean to upset you love.” That was a dirty move, using his smooth british charm to try and change my mind! If you think that it would work on me… you’d be right. It wasn’t that I had no strong will, it’s just that the hero also wanted cuddles as much as he was mad at his lover right now! I just gave in as we stumbled over to the bed and he kissed all over my face before leaving me on the bed all by myself. Tease! >:I He walked off into the bathroom leaving me all alone on the bed. I was just sitting there when I noticed something. I DID have a little belly forming!!! Wait, no no no! It was just him getting to me! The hero wasn’t self conscious! It was just my imagination! I went down to squeeze the little pudge of flesh… NO!!!! It was belly fat!!!!!!! Now don’t go jumping to conclusions okay! I was still muscular and strong and stuff but it was just a little pudge of extra fat! Nothing too serious! Right? RIGHT!? Oh who am I kidding? If it was then I wouldn’t be freaking out. A hero wasn’t pudgy and even if he was they wouldn't let others get to them! YEAH! And at the worst possible timing, England walks back to the bed with me.

_Just act like nothing happened…_

Yeah… it was all fine and dandy! Yep, nothing to see here! I was so distracted trying to re-boost my self confidence that England had changed as was bringing me under the covers with him! He was getting all hansy too!

“I thought I banished you to sleep on the couch Iggy?” I could feel him getting upset by the silly nickname and he couldn’t do anything about it! If he did he knew there’d be no way of convincing me to let him stay. >:)

“And I thought that you had forgiven me?” He said looking at me with his best hurt puppy look.

“Hmmm? I don’t remember saying anything like that.” I replied with a cheeky grin on my face. England just snuggled himself closer into my back when I said that. I would have shivered from all the contact if it weren’t for each other's body heat and our blankets.

“Pretty please, Alfie?” Heroes were not supposed to have cute adorable nicknames no matter how heart melting they were to hear, but that isn’t what really upset me though! What did is that England brought his head up to the back of my neck and took a long lick and-

“EEEP!” ...and a bite. “Arthur!!” >:I not cool dude! 

“Ah! Did I hurt you?”

“One, yes! Two, I am seriously not in the mood right now for fucking!!” 

“But… I thought you’d forgive and forget if we did?” >:0!! Can you believe this guy! First he calls me chubby, then uses my weakpoints to work his way in bed with no punishment, and now expects sex! Nuh-uh no way! I felt way too non-sexy right now to let his hand anywhere near my belly, much less my gonads! I was seriously pissed off and depressed. How could England!!!

“ArThuR! You aSsHaT!!”

“Wha! Are you crying! Oh Alfred no! I didn’t mean anything before I was just-”

“YoU cAN bE conCerneD fOR mY heaLTH dowNsTaiRs oN tHe COucH!!!”

“But-”

“OUT!” I screamed one last time before I turned around and threw him out the bedroom door with force! I may be chubby but I can still manhandle England however I please! I could hear him pleading from outside but he ain’t getting any of this hot hero bod tonight, er, I guess kinda hot hero bod. Whatever! I can lose this weight in no time! Yeah! And as punishment England has to let me be the top from now on instead of vice versa! Yes you read it, England’s the top but only because he’s too much of a pussy to bottom! I know he said he’s just “uncomfortable” with it but you all know he’s just too scared. >:\ And it’s not because England is able to dom the hero or anything, because nothing can overcome the hero!

______________________________________________________________________________

I had barely gotten any sleep at all last night. Now you might be thinking, ‘America, you had the whole bed to yourself, how were you NOT able to sleep?’ and to that I respond by saying that I was contemplating on how to punish England all night. It got me thinking though… maybe England was just unsatisfied and that’s why he was being so mean? It still didn’t make me feel any better but it did give me a plan on how to get payback and boost my confidence again! I would work out and diet until England found me less fat! And I wouldn’t let him bed me while I’m doing it either, no matter what he had to say about it in protest. This would probably bite me in the ass later (haha) but it was his punishment for being such a jerk! 

I get out of bed, and get dressed, the whole ordeal. It took a few minutes to complete but in no time I was weighing myself in our bathroom. 0-0. Well. I knew I was a little chubby but… I didn’t think it was that bad!! Again, England being England, I hear knocks on the door at the worst possible times. 

“Alfred! Wake up!!” I had to walk all the way over to the door just to answer him. Sure I was getting out anyway but it felt more annoying when England required me to do it. That’s just how it is okay!! >:I I pulled open the door quickly enough to startle England but I made sure just to walk past him without even making eye contact. I really wanted to look back to see if he was sad or something but I wouldn’t! If he was looking back at me he would see that I wasn’t as upset as I believed I- er... am!!! The hero had the resolve not to look back!! Metaphorically and literally!

“A-alfred wait!!!” Haha! I KNEW he’d come chasing after me if I gave him the cold shoulder! 

“What is it now!?” 

“I-I er um…” England seemed pretty red in the face, I wonder why? OH! Yes I remember now! Since I decided I would work out and be skinny I had totally put on a plain t-shirt and these really tight workout shorts! And they really took the definition of shorts seriously! They really hugged my ass too so I was not at all surprised that England was all blushy-blushy. Hey wait a minute! He was supposed to be looking back at me in shame and not looking for a show!! Why’s he all bashful and embarrassed then!

“Were you looking at my ass!!”

“What! N-no of course not why would you even think that? I’m a gentleman and I know you’re upset but I thought maybe we could just talk about it and I totallywasn’tlookingforsexagainifthat’swhatyouthink-”

“You were!!!”

“Uh! Well!”

“I already told you that you’re not allowed sex until I feel better so stop staring you perv!!”

“What! Well then when will you feel better!?”

“Is everything you want from me just sex!” God why can’t he NOT piss me off for at least 10 minutes! It’s hard work trying to fend off a pervert like England, despite how much he insists he’s a gentleman! I was expecting to see those pleading and sad looking eyes of his as he begged once again for forgiveness but instead he looked semi-heartbroken. Strange. HMMmmmmM? 

“Is that why you’re so upset!? Oh Alfred no wonder you’ve been so mad at me! Oh I promise I love you, it’s not just for the sex!!” ...what? “I really mean it love, I didn’t mean to be so distant, I swear!”

:I

>:I ???

What the hell? The whole point is that I’m punishing him for calling me fat, not wanting sex. Hell, he was the one who couldn’t keep up half the time! Point for super nation stamina! ;) 

“What the hell England?”

“Huh?”

“Nevermind. Whatever.” I said as I continued my walk down the stairs. I needed to get exercising! The weight wouldn’t burn itself after all. As if he wasn’t already being confusing enough, he grabs my arm as I make it to the stairs. I turned back to look, and I guess I looked pretty angry (which I was) because England’s face kinda withdrew when he saw my expression. His mouth opened trying to say something but he didn’t get the words out before I tugged my grip out of his grasp and made my way outside! Time to start a totally heroic and awesome workout day! 

_**Several Days Later...**_

This totally sucked!!! I had been doing so well this week,I was keeping the diet up, I exercised like all the time, and I still rejected England’s moves. I’d let him sleep back upstairs but I’ve pulled a sexless innkeeper on him and I can tell he’s getting frustrated! He looks sad sometimes though… eh whatever. What wasn’t “whatever” though was the fact that I still hadn’t lost any significant amount of weight! There was NO way I was giving up now though, the hero doesn’t give up!! I had to think of some way to lose weight way faster or else I might lose my mind! Maybe I could just… you know, ask someone? Yeah, maybe having some super cool trainer would help me lose weight faster, and it can even make England a little jealous!! One problem though… who do I know that is a total looker or know how to be and will make England jealous? Hmmmmmmmmm...oh of course!! France would be perfect! He’s alway super fussy about food and appearances and England is always complaining about him one way or another! 

I was walking down out of the door prepared to learn the secrets of how to be a super skinny queen when of course, England was there drinking his tea and reading a book all depressed-like. Sure we live together and everything but could he at least TRY to leave me alone when I’m mad? Either way, he must have heard me walking over to the door because he looked up from whatever sappy old novel he was reading and looked at me like he was gonna ask me something but just stared at me. One step closer to the door he managed to muster up a question after he hung his mouth open for at least 2 minutes.

“Um where are you heading?”

“To France’s!”

“What!”

“Yeah, since you want me to get skinny I bet he’s the perfect one to have a solution!” I was kinda worried that he was gonna start scolding me by the really pissed off look in his eyes but he just didn’t, you know that lightbulb above the head thing cartoon characters get when they become smarter or whatever? Well he had that but as a whole mood. He shut himself up and just nodded for me to go on or whatever. Well, off to find France! 

______________________________________________________________________________

It was a pretty fast trip to find France, mostly because the author didn’t feel like writing another travel scene again. But anyway, I was outside of his doorway about to knock when I heard some sort of commotion inside. Maybe he had visitors or something, but that wasn’t going to stop me!

***KNOCK* *KNOCK***

I was waiting patiently for a reply but the commotion suddenly stopped. I leaned over to the door and went up on my tip-toes to see if I could peer through the glass at the top of the door and… was that Canada? What was my ‘not as heroic and lucky to be my brother’ twin doing at France’s house? Wait hold on… I need to use my super intuition to piece together what they were doing…!!!! OH! 

_I’m gonna let you lusty BL shippers piece this one together yourselves 0//////0_

Uh… maybe I should just let them collect themselves for a minute before I knock again… I kinda felt a little sick. Wait if me and Mattie were twins and France was getting handsy on my TWIN does that mean? Nope, ew. I was starting to regret this visit. Maybe I should have tried Japan instead; his people are also super skinny and petite. Then again, Japan has some rather “strange” methods of trying to stay skinny and I do not trust their freaky looking inventions one bit. Last time I did trust him it ended… poorly. Go read the first part of this series to know what I mean. *shiver* 

So I’m waiting there for France to answer the door and for Canada to skedaddle out of there, no need for a show today folks, (Though if you guys would like a France and Canada one-shot I’d be happy to obliged). So I wait patiently, kinda disturbed and freaked out when the door opens only to have Canada rush past me; like The Flash fast runs past me. :I Where was he even running off to? There weren't any other cars parked in France’s driveway. Not my problem, anyway I turned back to see France and oh boy I’ve never seen him looking this disheveled since the last time he got drunk with Prussian and Spain but back to the point…

“Sup dude!!”

*Sigh* “America, what are you doing here so unannounced?”

“Dude I seriously need your help, and trust me you’ll totally love helping too!”

“Why would I enjoy helping your stoopid American proble-”

“England’s being an ass.”

“...HONHONHON say no more America, please come in and tell me more~” Ha, I knew that’d reel him in. Anything to make England all flustered! I walk inside and you guessed it. France’s how is all lavished and fancy but despite that it still has his weird pervy vibe, you know, cheese, wine, and roses. All that girly romantic stuff. Even his couch is fancy and a red velvet color! So I sit down and France has his own big chair thing that’s across from me and he starts to ask questions.

“Honhon~ so how’s the Erotic Ambassitor angered you this time?”

“I can’t even! We were cuddling and he was being nice to me for once and we were watching a sappy movie when he made fun of me for eating ice cream and then kept implying I was chubby! And after that he just expected sex like othing happened! Urg!!!!”

“Oh my!”

“Yeah! And you wanna know what else? I made sure that he wasn’t getting anymore ‘Erotic Ambassitor’ with me until I got more skinny since he thinks I’m so fat!!” >:(

“Honhon~ alright but… what's the issue? I can’t exactly magic England to be more feel-y you know? Trust me I’ve tried…”

“Well I can’t lose the weight France but I don’t wanna give in to my threat either! No sex until skinny but this is starting to get to me too!”

“And how long has this been going on exactly?”

“Almost a whole month!” 

“WHAT RE-”

***RING* *RING***

:| Well this was horrible timing wasn’t it. I think all this prissy scenery is making me gossip to France like a chick at a brunch session but there’s only one person who would call at such a horrible time! England! I was jittering and started moving in my seat but I just couldn’t tell France not to pick up… what if something happened to him and that’s why he’s calling? Or maybe it’s not him at all who knows. Either way France is already off in the other room about to chat away with probably a big meanie jerk boyfriend. >:(

**

“Honhonhon~ what a coincidence that you happen to call!”

“Shut up you disgusting wanker, where’s America?”

“He’s here quite upset with you, you know?”

“Ugh! Um… is he really that upset?”

“Hmm? Yes he is, went on quite a rant.”

“...um France… you don’t suppose I can ask for a little help can you?”

“OH what would that be hmmmm?”

“Well I assume you know what’s up then… well you see… ugh if anyone can help with this it would be you. America has been… ‘punishing’ me so to speak…”

“Ah~ no more needs to be said! I’ll get right to it!”

“Wait what?-” and without another moment of hesitation France hung up and skipped back over the room to America. 

**  
What was taking so long? I definitely knew it had to be England now, France doesn’t “hon” so loud to anyone else. It’s so totally creepy that I can tell, it’s like being able to tell someone’s footsteps just by the sound! Yeah, totally 100% related! I can understand if you can’t catch the hero’s train of thought though, hero’s do need to be able to take down super smart villains after all. So I sit a little while longer and France finally decided to skidaddle his way back over here. I was kinda playing with the little bit of lint I found in my jacket pocket because the decor of roses and velvet gets sickening after a while so I wasn’t really paying attention. Instead of sitting down though France looms over me, huh. I look up an oh…

0-0

Okay dudes, you guys know France. Of course you do, you're the hetalia fandom, keeping it alive since 2018. France being France, he has this super weird grin. Like, holy shit. His eyebrows were cocked, a big but not too big smirk, and the shadow thing around his eyes that anime artists do! I bet he planned something with England, yeah that’s it!!!! >:0

“What did England tell you!?”

“Nothing America, I’ve just discovered a solution to both your problems is all~”

“...huh!?”

“Have you ever worked out in a skirt America?” Whaaaaat!? Why would I do that!? It would be super inconvenient!! Don’t prissy high school cheerleaders use that as an excuse to get out of gym? Wait no they do like flips in a skirt wai- oh never mind that but like hell a hero would work out in a skirt, much less own one! Cross dressing is so not manly! It’s creepy! Why would you wanna trick people into thinking you’re a girl, and aren’t you afraid that you’d be subject to the sexist horrors the female species has to deal with in everyday life!? I guess the disturbed look on my face answered his question because in not even 10 seconds I was being dragged upstairs and had some flamboyant posh tennis skirt on. France drags me over to a huge full length mirror because of course he does and there I am with a tennis skirt, worn out sneakers, and a hoodie on looking like some cliche anime girl. Breezy. 

“Uh France, why do you even own this?”

“Better question is why do you shave everywhere?”

“I didn’t shave for you to look pervert!”

“Hoho; if not for me then for England yes yes?” I had to hit him up the head for that one. “Ah! How cruel of you America~ after everything I did to help you!” 

“Whatever! How does wearing a skirt help at all! I won’t lose weight and it’ll just make my punishment harder to keep up!”

“That is where you are wrong America~” 

“How!?”

“Do you know how the majority of your weight is lost while exercising?” Huh? Well now that I think about it I don’t but that doesn’t really matter, what matters is working out = skinny and skinny = sex and sex = I beat England and I beat England = egotistical satisfaction.

“No, why does it matter?”

“Silly American idiot! You lose it through sweating,” where was France going with this… “and when we exercise the less fabric that is covering out skin the more we can sweat out!” 

… 

:0

OH MY GOD! It all makes sense! No wonder whenever I worked out in sweatpants and sweatshirts it always sucked more! All the fat that wanted to be let out was concealed by my clothes! So the less that’s covered the faster I’ll lose weight! So a breezy skirt would be the perfect workout clothes! Well I ain’t got time to waste! Time to get out of here! I rush down the stairs and grab my keys and France can hardly keep up before I’m heading out the door and saying my goodbyes.

“Thanks for the skirt France! I’ll tell you if it works another time!”

“Ah wait what about-“

***SLAM***

*sigh* “That American will truly believe anything he’s told won’t he?”

______________________________________________________________________________

I was back home in no time! And what’s better is that England had gone out to do something so I had the whole house to myself for a few hours! So I rush upstairs to change into the lightest clothes I have. Skirt, sheer tank top, and that’s it! I had been doing a lot of running recently and I read something somewhere that yoga actually helps you lose weight and was basically just relaxing stretches too! It would also be a big tease when England got home. I set up the yoga mat in our room and got my headphones and music ready, and now it’s time for a totally heroic and awesome extra-effective yoga workout! 

**

England was just pulling back up into their driveway fumbling with the keys to the house as he walks up and unlocks their door. He had gone to blow off a bit of steam, France was just infuriating. It was one thing to just hang up on him but to also not give a clue about America was even worse. He just hoped that the frog kept it in his pants for once. Walking inside he could hear… something. It was definitely America though, nobody made a soft chant while doing anything but him, unless the fairies were back that is. Curiously, England walked up the steps to his and America’s bedroom only to discover one thing upon entry. A soaked and tired America in barely any clothes on at all. And what clothes he did have on were horribly provocative! 

“America! What in the world are you wearing!?”

“A skirt?”

“Why!?”

“Isn’t it common knowledge? The more skin exposed the more places to sweat out fat! Duh!”

“...what crap did that baguette tell you this time?”

“Nuh uh! It makes total sense! And even if it didn’t I can work out in whatever I wanna!”

“You don’t need to work out for crying out loud! I liked you better before you became all fitness crazy!”

“Would you like to see me all sweaty in a skirt!?” 

“I’M NOT STOOPING DOWN TO FRANC’S LEVEL!” 

Tensions were high as the two just got into another heated argument. ‘Why are you even mad’ ‘where have you been’ and other unrelated arguments were thrown about into the heated conversation. America was more pissed than ever though. England was supposed to see him all sweaty and flushed in only a skirt and tank top and get all horny and they could finally fuck but nooooo he’s not as bad as France. At this point America had had enough, screw the satisfaction, he was horny as hell. So he let England ramble for a few minutes, in hopes of getting a sneak attack in, and a sneak attack he got.

“What are you not saying anything now- MMMPPPPHHH!!!” And America has his mouth pressed into England’s while he pushes him to the floor and straddles him. When their lips part England has his hand tangled in America’s honey blond hair and another groping him up the skirt. Meanwhile America is laying on top of him gripping his shoulders and lightheaded, relieved to finally get what he wants. 

“Do you get it now Artie?”

“No, not at all.”

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this in two paragraphs intervals over the span of a month so this might have been a little funky of a story.


End file.
